A lapse

Oh, I had intentions of living a God first life before I walked through my door, but somehow the choreography of my life as I have invented it made it a little bit difficult to just walk out into purity and put on the new self. There were explorations that I wanted to make for myself-=to create for myself new feelings of joy or ecstacy through imaginative trances of thought. Yet, that is not what the Gospels or Jesus or others have taught me to live. Yet, I still feel independent of them, especially as I feel my body respond to thoughts and images of my day. I only wish in my subconscious mind, especially between my being asleep and fully awake, that I could gain a coherent sense of self control and not waver between doubt and belief that God will meet me and make me a fulfilled person. Yet I continue to do it on my own. Paul and others in the scriptures had the exact same problems with their self control, yet God kept them in the heat of the action for the game ahead.